Five Word Reviews: Eurovision 2014

Eurovision_Song_Contest_2014_logo.svgWelcome back, my dearest Eurovisionistas. As promised, I’ve awkwardly stuffed another semi into the bottom of this post. Please, be gentle.

Seriously? A hashtag as your motto? Bad Denmark, bad. Now go and have a long think about what you’ve done.

Well enough of this rubbish. It’s that time of year when I get back at my internet friends for polluting my facebook feed with football and babies and upworthy links (“This Danish TV station put on a singing competition: you won’t BELIEVE what happened next!” etc)

Again, to save you from boredom, I’m reviewing this year’s songs, but only five words at a time. It’ll save you having to watch the whole damn thing in the first place.

Overall: There are some pretty strong contenders this year. But of course there’s some utter, utter lunacy to balance that out. Check back on Thursday for more. In the meantime, enjoy the show.

Big Five & The Host

  • Denmark – Scatman John? Is that you? 4/5
  • France – Eurovision’s first facial hair song 5/5
  • Germany – Wait, is that Lena again? 2/5
  • Italy – Summer 2014’s gay bar anthem 4/5
  • Spain – Pretty sure chorus is ‘Edelweiss’ 3/5
  • UKVery Eurovision. Even the rhyming. 3/5

Semi 1

  • Albania – Enya-Shakira hybrid’s incomprehensible mumbling 2/5
  • Armenia – Aggressive dubstep… Wait. Dubstep? Really? 5/5
  • Azerbaijan – Always with the good singers 4/5
  • Belgium – Most Oedipal entry of 2014 2/5
  • Estonia – Choreography distracts from singing. Thankfully. 1/5
  • Hungary – They do drum and bass 2/5
  • Iceland – Utterly, ludicrously, gloriously, beautifully hatstand. 5/5
  • Latvia – Terrible accident with rhyming dictionary 2/5
  • Moldova – Thankfully not a banshee. Phew. 3/5
  • Montenegro – It’s not Eurovision without wistfulness 3/5
  • Netherlands – Totally gets the hipster vote 4/5
  • Portugal – This is literally the Lambada 2/5
  • Russia – Good song; political voting inevitable 4/5
  • San Marino – Waving my San Marino flag 5/5
  • Sweden – Should’ve undone that key change 3/5
  • Ukraine – Oddly for Eurovision: quite listenable 4/5

Semi 2

  • Austria – Stubble aside, actually quite enjoyable 4/5
  • Belarus – Did he say “Google maps”? 2/5
  • Finland – Finland finally discovers college rock 4/5
  • Georgia – Three minutes, five key changes 1/5
  • Greece – See review for Italy, above 2/5
  • Ireland – She’s no Jedward. Thank fuck. 4/5
  • Israel – THE HORROR *hides behind armchair* 2/5
  • Lithuania – Actually an ancient military song 4/5
  • Macedonia – Again, see Italy review above 4/5
  • Malta – Ignore the video; song’s good 4/5
  • Norway – Tried to write review. Slept. 1/5
  • Poland – Soddit, just get political votes 2/5
  • Romania – Not as good as 2013 3/5
  • Slovenia – Burgundy taught her jazz flute 4/5
  • Switzerland – I personally DESPISE whistling. Shame. 0/5

What? Who said this was supposed to be fair?

And my prediction for top 5 (not necessarily ones I like, but ones that could win the vote):

  1. Denmark
  2. Ukraine
  3. Finland
  4. Malta
  5. Macedonia

Very honourable mentions for great musicianship:

  • San Marino (COME ON VALENTINA)
  • Azerbaijan
  • Malta (as always)

Winner of the WTF award 2014:

  • It’s a close call, but it has to be Latvia. What other Eurovision– or any other– song gives you a recipe while entertaining you?

Winner of the 2014 Great Eurovision Cakeoff is a two-way tie between Latvia and Belarus.

And, most importantly, les nul points

  • Switzerland
  • Georgia

Five Word Reviews: Eurovision 2013

Eurovision_Song_Contest_2013_logo

Update: Here’s the post about the final.

So, Eurovision is coming up soon. Sadly, with the incredibly expensive tickets and the relatively small venue, I decided not to go to Malmö this year. But I thought it’d be good to take a look at the songs in advance.

I thought I’d do some 5 word reviews for this year’s contest. With a 5 point rating for each one. It started off as a good idea, and turned into a mammoth task. As always.

Overall, there’s quite a bit of your standard Euro stuff, with everything from dubstep to bagpipes. No sign of any rock/punk/metal this year. Oh, and Romania are totally trying to take the title for this year’s Queen of the Banshees.

Enjoy.

Big Five & The Host

  • France – She’s like a francophone Adele. 5/5
  • Germany – Gloriously predictable German Euro pop. 2/5
  • Italy – Robbie Williams “Angels”. Plus sideburns. 4/5
  • Spain – What “Lovely Horse” aspires to. 5/5
  • Sweden – Safe, but fun. Host bonus = 4/5
  • UK – Sings both types of music. 4/5

Semi 1

  • Austria – Oh, the drama, the drama! 4/5
  • Belarus – Song bad. Topless dancers good. 2/5
  • Belgium – Content is blocked by GEMA. -1000/5 to GEMA. [For viewers not in Germany: 4/5]
  • Croatia – GREAT voices; bit sad though. 4/5
  • Cyprus – Average. Gets twelve from Greece. 3/5
  • Denmark – Funky beats belie tinwhistle intro. 4/5
  • Estonia – Unremarkable. Words sound nice though. 2.5/5
  • Ireland – Southern Euro sound; great stuff. 3/5
  • Lithuania – Try singing: it could work. 2/5
  • Montenegro – wub, wub, wub, rap, wub. 4/5
  • Moldova – Likely to go off key. 2/5
  • Netherlands – Why you choose minor key? 3/5
  • Russia – What if lyrics were better? 3/5
  • Serbia – She’s just practising her scales. 2/5
  • Slovenia – easily forgettable cheesy-ass pop. 3/5
  • Ukraine – String jabs plus megavoice = winner? 5/5

Semi 2

  • Albania – Big tune, guitar solo. Marvellous. 4/5
  • Armenia – Good, but I prefer wikitravel. 3/5
  • Azerbaijan – Nicely sung (but I’m biased). 4/5
  • Bulgaria –  Europop with pipe and drums. 3/5
  • Finland – Singer misunderstands “walk of shame”. 3/5
  • FYR Macedonia – Standard ballad. Should do well. 3/5
  • Georgia – “Weengs” rhymes with “dreams”. Apparently. 4/5
  • Greece – Average. Gets twelve from Cyprus. 3/5
  • Hungary – Hungary’s entered Eurovision Whisper Contest? 1/5
  • Iceland – Nordic Wistfulness Overload. Love it. 4/5
  • Israel – Cacophonous banshee hurts my ears. 1/5
  • Latvia – Costumes better than the rapping. 1/5
  • Malta – Great song for yoghurt advert. 4/5
  • Norway – Bunny boiler with mockney accent. 4/5
  • Romania – WOOOOEEEEE!! Eurovision’s first male banshee. 279/5
  • San Marino – Power. Drama. Everything. Love it. 5/5
  • Switzerland – Darts thrown at rhyming dictionary. 2/5

And the all-important prediction for top 5 (not necessarily ones I like, but ones that could win the vote):

  1. Italy
  2. Ukraine
  3. Spain
  4. Norway
  5. San Marino

Very honourable mentions for great musicianship:

  • France
  • Romania
  • Croatia
  • Azerbaijan

Les gagneurs du concours de l’Eurovision des nul points:

  • Latvia
  • Israel