Five Word Reviews: Eurovision 2013

Eurovision_Song_Contest_2013_logo

Update: Here’s the post about the final.

So, Eurovision is coming up soon. Sadly, with the incredibly expensive tickets and the relatively small venue, I decided not to go to Malmö this year. But I thought it’d be good to take a look at the songs in advance.

I thought I’d do some 5 word reviews for this year’s contest. With a 5 point rating for each one. It started off as a good idea, and turned into a mammoth task. As always.

Overall, there’s quite a bit of your standard Euro stuff, with everything from dubstep to bagpipes. No sign of any rock/punk/metal this year. Oh, and Romania are totally trying to take the title for this year’s Queen of the Banshees.

Enjoy.

Big Five & The Host

  • France – She’s like a francophone Adele. 5/5
  • Germany – Gloriously predictable German Euro pop. 2/5
  • Italy – Robbie Williams “Angels”. Plus sideburns. 4/5
  • Spain – What “Lovely Horse” aspires to. 5/5
  • Sweden – Safe, but fun. Host bonus = 4/5
  • UK – Sings both types of music. 4/5

Semi 1

  • Austria – Oh, the drama, the drama! 4/5
  • Belarus – Song bad. Topless dancers good. 2/5
  • Belgium – Content is blocked by GEMA. -1000/5 to GEMA. [For viewers not in Germany: 4/5]
  • Croatia – GREAT voices; bit sad though. 4/5
  • Cyprus – Average. Gets twelve from Greece. 3/5
  • Denmark – Funky beats belie tinwhistle intro. 4/5
  • Estonia – Unremarkable. Words sound nice though. 2.5/5
  • Ireland – Southern Euro sound; great stuff. 3/5
  • Lithuania – Try singing: it could work. 2/5
  • Montenegro – wub, wub, wub, rap, wub. 4/5
  • Moldova – Likely to go off key. 2/5
  • Netherlands – Why you choose minor key? 3/5
  • Russia – What if lyrics were better? 3/5
  • Serbia – She’s just practising her scales. 2/5
  • Slovenia – easily forgettable cheesy-ass pop. 3/5
  • Ukraine – String jabs plus megavoice = winner? 5/5

Semi 2

  • Albania – Big tune, guitar solo. Marvellous. 4/5
  • Armenia – Good, but I prefer wikitravel. 3/5
  • Azerbaijan – Nicely sung (but I’m biased). 4/5
  • Bulgaria –  Europop with pipe and drums. 3/5
  • Finland – Singer misunderstands “walk of shame”. 3/5
  • FYR Macedonia – Standard ballad. Should do well. 3/5
  • Georgia – “Weengs” rhymes with “dreams”. Apparently. 4/5
  • Greece – Average. Gets twelve from Cyprus. 3/5
  • Hungary – Hungary’s entered Eurovision Whisper Contest? 1/5
  • Iceland – Nordic Wistfulness Overload. Love it. 4/5
  • Israel – Cacophonous banshee hurts my ears. 1/5
  • Latvia – Costumes better than the rapping. 1/5
  • Malta – Great song for yoghurt advert. 4/5
  • Norway – Bunny boiler with mockney accent. 4/5
  • Romania – WOOOOEEEEE!! Eurovision’s first male banshee. 279/5
  • San Marino – Power. Drama. Everything. Love it. 5/5
  • Switzerland – Darts thrown at rhyming dictionary. 2/5

And the all-important prediction for top 5 (not necessarily ones I like, but ones that could win the vote):

  1. Italy
  2. Ukraine
  3. Spain
  4. Norway
  5. San Marino

Very honourable mentions for great musicianship:

  • France
  • Romania
  • Croatia
  • Azerbaijan

Les gagneurs du concours de l’Eurovision des nul points:

  • Latvia
  • Israel